Codependency is a psychological construct that identifies a pattern of behaviours in unhealthy relationships where there is a ‘giver’ and a ‘taker’. These behaviours cover a wide spectrum and codependency in relationships can occur a little or a lot. The codependent person is viewed as the ‘giver’ and essentially bases their self-esteem on being needed in their relationship, often making large sacrifices at the expense of themselves.
The ‘taker’ often displays a set of undesirable behaviours or issues such as drug or alcohol dependence, narcissistic traits or abusive behaivour. The toxic dynamic between the ‘taker’ and ‘giver’ can easily become a ‘relationship addiction’ due to the emotional roller coaster and highs and lows. Codependent relationships are one directional in that all the focus and energy is being put into the needs of the ‘taker’. The ‘giver’ buries their own needs or is not aware of them at all, placing all the emphasis on caring for the other person.
Codependent relationships can easily become emotionally destructive or abusive. When the ‘giver’ attempts to leave the relationship, it can be incredibly difficult because they continue to feel responsible for their partner’s needs despite wanting to leave the relationship. Leaving the relationship can induce immense feelings of guilt. Conversely the ‘taker’ can feel over reliant on the ‘giver’ and can display extreme protest behaviour when the ‘giver’ attempts to leave.
Signs of codependency
Here are some signs of codependent behaviours of the ‘giver’ in the relationship. If you recognise any of these behaviours, there may be a power imbalance in your relationship. In order to work towards a healthier more balanced relationship, it is good to increase self-awareness. Codependency can operate on different levels of intensity and in many forms. Here are a few signs that indicate you may have some codependent behaviours:
- You do the majority of the giving in the relationship with little support or help in return
- You lose sight of your own personal goals, interests and values as your partner’s needs take priority
- You would do almost anything for your partner even if it made you feel uncomfortable
You walk on eggshells to avoid conflict and have difficulty setting boundaries - You fear rejection, or criticism
- You feel worthy when you are able to meet your partner’s needs
- You suppress your own emotions and are overly empathetic towards your partner even if they hurt you
- You feel like you have lost your sense of self in the relationship
- You take on way too much responsibility for trying to change, support or rescue your partner to help fix their problems
Signs of a healthy interdependent relationship
Whether there is a little or a lot of codependency in a relationship, it is helpful to be aware of the difference between codependency and interdependency. Interdependent relationships are reciprocal where both partners meet each other’s needs for intimacy and closeness in a healthy manner. The effort and energy both partners put into the relationship helps the relationship to prosper and grow opposed to focusing on one partner’s needs and enabling further destructive behaviour to the relationship. Here are some signs of healthy interdependency in relationships:
- There is mutual giving and taking (mutual reliance on each other)
- Both partners have a sense of being their own separate independent person
- There is freedom to be your authentic self in the relationship
- You know you have value and worth even when your partner has been upset
- You feel safe and secure
- You are able to set boundaries without feeling guilty, there is still respect even when you disagree
- Asking and giving help in the relationship doesn’t further enable negative behaviours and reliance, instead it encourages closeness and growth
I think my relationship might be codependent, what can I do about it?
If you recognise some of the codependency behaviours and traits in yourself then focusing on yourself is going to be helpful. Learn to recognise your own emotions and experience them fully rather than pushing them down, ignoring them or avoiding them for the ‘better’ cause of your relationship. Because there is no better cause than recognising what you need too. To have a healthy and thriving relationship, there should be an attempt to have both partner’s needs met and for the relationship to be reciprocal.
Start investing in yourself, put energy into friendships, activities or hobbies outside of your relationship. Identify what is important to you in the relationship, what boundaries you would like to put in place either with yourself or your partner and how your partner can work towards meeting your needs. Remember it takes two for a relationship to work, so don’t do the lion’s share. Allow yourself to do some ‘taking’ in the relationship and honour your own needs too.