When you grow up in a family where there were none or very few personal boundaries, how do you recognise when your boundaries might be on the unhealthy side? Very rarely do we sit down and really think about our boundaries in each of the different areas of our life. We might have the idea that we need to have better boundaries, but this can still be a hazy topic. When you grow up in family enmeshment or you were never allowed to have boundaries, it can be confusing or anxiety provoking to set up good personal boundaries.
Sometimes unhealthy boundaries can be hard to recognise. Do you veer out of your lane and into other people’s lanes with good intentions and kindness in your heart, but overstep boundaries by trying to fix other people’s problems? Or do you allow people to take advantage of your good nature without accessing self-protection skills and saying no?
Once you are able to recognise areas of your life where some tighter boundaries would be useful, the next step is to action them. First boundaries need to be communicated clearly to others and then we need to back them up with our behaviour to establish them. There is no use expressing boundaries to others that not even you will follow through on. So, you need to commit to yourself to achieve healthier boundaries. I know this part can be extremely hard to do, but over time you can shift dynamics in your relationships, set healthier boundaries and have more energy for yourself.
What do unhealthy boundaries look like?
Driving out of your lane can look like taking on someone else’s problems as if they were your own. Feeling it’s your job to fix others. You might have good intentions but there is a difference between helping and enabling. When your boundaries are unhealthy your helpfulness can easily turn into enabling someone’s poor behaviour when you begin to do things for someone else that they should be doing for themselves. In the process you end up becoming tired and because the other person has not had to work hard at their own issues, their behaviour continues. These cycles can be easily created in codependent relationships where there one person is taking for the sake of taking and one person giving for the sake of giving.
Other signs of unhealthy boundaries can be not noticing when someone invades your boundaries. You might be very generous with your time and energy but don’t notice when someone else is overstepping the mark with you. You might state a boundary for them to push your boundary slightly and talk you out of it without even noticing.
For example, telling someone not to keep calling you if you are busy and not able to answer your phone. They ignore your request and call three times when you are in a work meeting. When you look at your phone you don’t address the boundary overstepping because you think it’s better than them calling you 20 times when they can’t get through, rather than identifying the other person is continuing to overstep the boundary you set.
Here are four types of boundaries you need in your life and how to recognise if they are unhealthy. It is helpful to think about these boundaries and what they mean to you:
Physical boundaries – Are all about your body and include things like personal space, your comfort level of affection and sexual intimacy. Unhealthy physical boundaries can include touching a person without asking, coercing someone into being sexually intimate. Unhealthy physical boundaries can also be receiving touch that you do not want or being sexual for your partner and not for yourself.
Emotional boundaries – Is knowing and understanding you are responsible for your own emotions just as others are responsible for their emotions. Feeling overly responsible for other people’s emotions indicates signs of poor emotional boundaries. Poor emotional boundaries can also be sharing too much information about yourself too soon. Or not being able to share any personal information at all with someone you know deep down is trustworthy. Other signs of poor emotional boundaries include taking things too personally or feeling guilty when you do set boundaries.
Mental boundaries – Unhealthy mental boundaries is when you let others define what you think and believe or forcing your own beliefs on others. This can be particularly difficult when there is an expectation in your family to all think the same and share the same beliefs. Do you respect other people’s opinions, do they respect yours? Poor mental boundaries can be letting others choose the direction of your life and letting others tell you how to think and feel. When your mental boundaries are healthy you feel confident in your own identity and sense of self.
Resource boundaries – These types of boundaries determine how others may or may not use your material belongings. How do people have access to the items that belong to you? Do people borrow or take your belongings without your permission? If taking your shoes off at the door is part of your cultural customs and other people are coming into your home, do they disrespect that?
Creating healthy boundaries protects you from emotional harm and keeps your sense of self steady. Understanding what is important to you and where you want your boundaries to lie is especially important if you have come from a family where you were not allowed to have any boundaries and you were not allowed to have your own opinion or allowed to show anger. Recognising where your personal boundaries may be faltering will give you the insight you need to stay in your lane and prevent other people from crossing into yours.