Do you get angry and not know why or how to handle your emotions?
Believe it or not, anger is a normal reaction and emotion for us to feel. It can be very helpful as it motivates us to do something to right an injustice. It inspires us to feel passion! However, more often than not, it has a tendency to lead us into problems.
Channelling this emotion in a positive way starts with being very aware and mindful of how it appears in our lives – and how it affects us.
Anger can be a challenging, overwhelming emotion.
But we can get back in charge. We can choose how it makes us feel. We can choose how it makes us act. We have control over anger – not the other way around.
Anger is a natural emotion.
Anger is understandable…
Feeling angry stimulates the body’s adrenaline (stress) response, which is our body’s way of helping us to cope. It does this by sending us into a response of fighting or running away (‘fight-flight’ response). We respond to those thoughts and feelings, by acting, or feeling an urge to act, in threatening or aggressive ways.
Anger is not just in our minds. It’s a complete physical reaction.
The cycle of anger goes like this: We feel used, slighted, hurt or mistreated.
Our body reacts to this feeling, and sends out physical symptoms like a racing heart and clenched teeth. We react to what our body is telling us, which then shapes our behaviour, and we may become aggressive or have the urge to lash out.
The cycle reinforces itself; so, sometimes, you have to intentionally step in to break it.
Some common physical sensations we experience during anger can be:
– Heart racing or pounding – Enabling good blood supply around our bodies – Breathing quickly – Allowing more oxygen around the body – Tense muscles – A state of readiness to fight or flee – Feeling hot, sweating – Feeling light-headed – Stomach churning or butterflies – Fist or teeth clenching
Some common behaviours we might experience are:
- Staring and angry facial expression – Aggressive body posture – Moving towards what makes us angry; attacking or arguing – Hitting out or the urge to hit out – Shouting, snapping at others – Running or storming away – Staying silent, inwardly seething – Door slamming, making lots of noise – Sulking or being sarcastic
Managing these sensations and behaviours starts with awareness that they are happening.
And what we do with our anger matters.
It is possible to channel it into something that benefits you more than red hot rage; it’s great that you’re thinking about it right now.
How does anger appear in your life?
Do you need to make a change?
It’s helpful to identify what feeds or keeps our anger going, so that we can work at making positive and helpful changes.
You can identify these anger triggers by asking yourself these questions:
Does it happen when I am driving?
Does it happen when I am at work?
Does it happen when I am stressed about certain situations?
Does it happen when communicating or around certain people?
Does it happen when I am taking alcohol or substances?
Once you have identified what fuels your anger, and when you’re in that moment, try doing some of the following:
STOP > Pause – Take a breath – Take note of your surroundings
Then ask yourself:
What am I reacting to?
What is it that is really pushing my buttons?
Am I getting things out of proportion?
How important is this really?
How important will it be in 6 months’ time?
What harm has actually been done?
Am I expecting something from this person or situation that is unrealistic?
What’s the worst (and best) that could happen?
What’s most likely to happen?
Am I jumping to conclusions about what this person meant?
Am I mis-reading between the lines?
Is it possible that they didn’t mean that?
Is this fact or opinion?
What do I want or need from this person or situation?
What do they want or need from me?
Is there a compromise?
What would be the consequences of responding angrily?
Is there another way of dealing with this?
What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)
Visualise yourself dealing with the situation in a calm, non-aggressive but assertive way, respecting the rights and opinions of all others involved.
When you feel angry in the moment, and stopping, pausing and reflecting isn’t helping you find a sense of calm, try this…
Practise mindfulness breathing and being calm. You can try visualisation techniques like breathing in blue (calm) and breathing out red (all your anger and frustration).
Then remove yourself, go for a walk or run, do some housework, phone a friend, put yourself in a positive and safe state.
Just like the sun sets at the end of a long day, any feelings of anger you have will soon set, too.
Sometimes, when we’re upset, anger is all we can see – and we can’t visualise a world in which we no longer feel rage.
But it will pass. So don’t let it define or control you.
Anger & Boundaries
“Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.” – J.S. Wolfe
When we feel angry, it’s the result of thinking and believing that we or someone close to us have been unfairly treated or disrespected, or that others have broken or fallen short of our rules, standards or expectations, and we won’t stand for it.
Knowing where it comes from can help you manage it.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behaviour or a choice.” – Brené Brown
The best thing we can do for our relationship with others is to set boundaries about how we will be treated. That way, we will hopefully never feel mistreated or used, leading to anger and rage. If we do experience these things, we will better understand why; because it goes against a boundary we had set.
“Our boundaries define our personal space – and we need to be sovereign there in order to be able to step into our full power and potential.” – Jessica Moore
If there’s one thing to know about boundaries, it’s this:
Setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s necessary. You need boundaries, and you need to enforce them – otherwise you will not be able to step into your full potential.
What’s holding you back from setting boundaries?
“Creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration for boundaries, can lead you to the path of personal happiness.” – Nancy B. Urbach
When you set boundaries, you should encourage your loved ones to do the same.
Mutual respect is built when your friends and loved ones respect your boundaries, and you respect theirs, too.
What can alleviate anger?
I believe it’s gratitude. Relishing every moment you spend with the people and things you love… stopping to appreciate the little things… counting your blessings each day.
Practising gratitude keeps anger in balance, and makes negative emotions easier to sit with.
It’s incredible how our perspective can change when we look at all the beautiful things around us. When we intentionally identify the good. When we seek out the silver linings. When we focus on what we’re grateful for. It’s a mindset shift that changes everything.
Build more joy into your everyday routine. Find moments of peace, and build rituals for calm.
It goes a long way in managing your emotional state.
If you find what makes you feel calm, even in moments of anger…
Lean into it. Practise it. Use it as a tool in everyday life.
Acknowledging your needs and feelings is a superpower.
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