Are you a deer in headlights when it comes to unwarranted criticism? Easy tips to disarm back handed comments in seconds.
Let’s talk about backhanded comments, when someone indirectly or ambiguously insults you. These can be hard to deal with because they are not overt and so obvious that you feel you have the right to directly confront them. These types of insults can leave us questioning ourselves and if we’re making a big deal over it but these comments can cause us to have imaginary conversations in our heads for days.
When thinking about a backhanded comment someone gave you, it’s easy to be left thinking about all the things you could have or should have said. You end up ruminating why that person thought they had a right to say that to you, but also doubting yourself, your abilities or feeling like your confidence has been rocked. The backhanded comment comes out of nowhere and is often a surprise leaving you feeling disarmed and that you have done yourself an injustice by not confronting it.
Was this insult helpful to you?
So, what to do when you are next thrown an insult curve ball? Firstly, figure out whether the comment can be of any use to you. Is there anything you can take away from the comment that might be helpful? If there is some useful feedback in the insult, take that on board and leave the rest.
However, if that is a definite no, and you can say to yourself ‘that comment has no use for me at all’, that’s great you can acknowledge that. The comment given to you was probably more about the person delivering it rather than about you. Some people are very good at subconsciously projecting their insecurities, negative emotions or traits onto others and chances are you have been caught up in one of these moments.
Ruminate in a healthy way
Allow yourself time to ruminate in a healthy way without becoming fixated on the backhanded comment. Instead of trying to block out the hurt or becoming obsessed with it, let the upsetting events, thoughts and images in your mind come to the surface naturally.
Each time you notice yourself thinking about the upsetting insult or backhanded comment, ask yourself if you are ready to let go of the anger, shame or hurt accompanying them. Over time you will notice the intensity of your emotions will fade, becoming less and less intense.
Batter up for the next insult curve ball to be thrown your way
Backhanded comments can come from anywhere. Perhaps you have a colleague, family member or friend who frequently dishes them out or maybe you have been surprised by an interaction with a stranger in public.
If you feel like a deer in headlights, here are some strategies you can use to disarm the next insult thrown your way.
Agree and exaggerate
Try agreeing with the backhanded comment then exaggerate or amplify it. An example of this is in the movie Twilight, when moving to her new school Bella is questioned why her skin is so pale if she is from Arizona. She replies ‘yea, I guess that’s why they kicked me out’ exaggerating the insult.
Another example is if someone was calling you ‘lazy’ and you reply with ‘yea, I’ve been working really hard at it lately’. Agreeing and exaggerating can be a subtle way of highlighting the absurdity of the insult or backhanded comment in the first place.
Flip the spotlight
Another strategy is to deflect the attention away from yourself and back to the person giving you the insult by asking them a question. You can disarm a backhanded comment by being indifferent but also responding with your own questioning. This might challenge the other person to think about why they are making these comments to you in the first place.
For example, someone might say to you ‘you look terrible in that photo’ and you could reply with ‘I guess but why is that so important to you?’ another way could simply be by responding with ‘are you trying to make me feel bad?’ By flipping the spotlight, the other person is forced to try and justify their actions or take accountability.
Gloss over the insult and change the subject
For some people any attention, positive or negative, is good attention. Some people just like to get a rise out of others, and it is better to ignore and change the subject straight away, so no more attention is given to the backhanded comment. If you’re having a conversation with someone who doesn’t have much of a filter, you can always do the filtering yourself. You don’t need to sit there and listen. For example, if someone insulted you by saying ‘didn’t they teach you that at school?’, quickly gloss over the comment and change the subject ‘I learnt it was important to take lunch, what time are you going on your break?’ Try not to buy into or give any power to other people’s insults.
Be straight up and call out the backhanded comment
Yes, this can be awkward or raise the tension, but it is a straight and direct way to make the other person know what they said was not cool. You don’t have to be mean or dish out insults yourself. You can hold the other person accountable by letting them know this is not the way to communicate. For example, you might be really excited about buying a new jacket then someone says ‘you look like a giant penguin in your new coat’ leaving you feeling deflated. You can respond with something like ‘jokes aside I would appreciate you say things like that anymore.’
…or a work colleague gives you a slight remark like ‘I’m surprised you don’t know how to do that’ respond with ‘insulting each other won’t fix this problem, we still have to work together to figure it out’. Backhanded comments can be indirect and confusing but the more you let other people know that you don’t appreciate them, and you directly address them, the less likely you are to receive them in the future.
If you find in certain relationships, you are more prone to insults and backhanded comments, and it is an ongoing problem, it is always better to try and address these issues directly through conversations and setting boundaries. However sometimes this is not possible, and we end up being self-critical for not standing up for ourselves and then ruminate on the interaction for days.
In every interaction there is always something we can do to better the situation and we never have to helpless to personal attacks, unwarranted criticism, insults, or backhanded comments. I hope this article gives you a little more confidence to take insults head on and reclaim your power in uncomfortable situations.