Is there someone in your life, with whom you have a close relationship, who is slowly driving you bonkers? Maybe you’re married to that person and have pledged the rest of your life to be with them, for better or for worse. Maybe it’s a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you’re now wondering if you should take the next step to a more serious commitment with them.
Are they ever going to stop playing head games? Or should you save your own sanity and get out now, before you’re in too deep?
Difficult people are particularly skilled at playing mind games with others. This is the opposite of being a straight-shooter. Normally, in a healthy relationship, both parties feel secure and there is a mutual sense of trust. People say what they think, express feelings in a healthy way that does not hurt the other person, and mostly always do what they say they will do.
But in a relationship with some who is difficult, you might find yourself entrapped in a confusing web of crazy behaviour. This is because these people get some sort of emotional high off the games they play with others. It’s all about control, and if you have a gentle or accommodating personality, then you’ll most definitely be the target. These are some signs of a difficult person.
At its root cause, difficult people create a mind-game playing scenario because their psychological make up has them feeling most alive when they are sucking the life from another person. If the word ‘narcissist’ comes to mind after reading that, you are correct. This is about extraordinarily selfish and self-centered people and the way their minds work differently from everyone else’s.
Narcissism goes back to early psychological development. Children learn through experience where they physically and psychologically end, and another person begins. This is the sense of self as compared to others. There is you, and then there is me. We must learn to respect each other’s boundaries if we’re going to get along.
Basically, for difficult people, relationships are about constant boundary violations, and also about control. They keep pressing your buttons to see how far they can go. If the person you’re with is quick to change the story and the rules, then they will always have the upper hand – which is exactly what they want. And if you are a loving and kind person who lives by the golden rule, which is to treat others how you’d like to be treated, and you live in as honest and forthright way possible then, sadly, the narcissist will play you like a deck of cards.
It’s not easy to escape the twisted dynamic s of a mind game player who has you in the grips of their emotional control tactics. However, your first step in finding relief from toxic relationship dynamics such as this is to identify what’s happening in the first place. So, awareness is key. You might head over to Google and get familiar with terms like ‘narcissist,’ ‘gaslighting,’ ‘boundaries’ and other typical definitions so you can get a clear picture of what they do, why they do it, how you are not to blame, and ways to release yourself from this painful scenario.
The first step is to recognise that this is not your fault. The difficult person is the one who is causing problems because he or she has a poor sense of self-esteem. Perhaps a demeaning or disapproving parent is to blame for their feelings of inadequacy, you can’t be sure and you certainly won’t find out by asking them. They’ll get on the defensive and will likely lash out at you.
Other possible insights into their bizarre and disturbing mindset could be addiction problems, including alcoholism, which unfortunately also is rooted in feelings of inadequacy.
Once you determine that this is being created by them and not you, your next step is to emotionally detach. Limit your conversations with them and start paying attention to how often you tell the self-centered person details about yourself or your circumstance, that they will invariably use against you later.
Once you have clearly identified all the ways that you self-sabotage by talking to them, make it a point to limit discussions to only fact-based topics that you simply cannot avoid. So for example, if the difficult person happens to be the father or mother of your child, then limit your interactions with them and only discuss topics that relate to your child’s whereabouts, feeding, care and general safety.
Other ways that you can emotionally separate yourself is by having a long-term exit strategy in mind… plan this out. Fill your free time with enriching activities that speak to your own talents and the hobbies and pastimes that you enjoy. This is a wonderful way to build up your self-esteem while making the other person seem ‘smaller’ and less significant. It’s time to shift the focus from THEM to YOU… start looking after YOUR own happiness, success and wellbeing.
Find ways to be social and surround yourself with loving, caring friends. Don’t let this person make you feel badly about yourself and understand that this relationship is not healthy for you. Start working on the steps needed to end the relationship once and improve your self-worth. It won’t be easy but you can do it! You have value. You are worth it, and you deserve love just as much as anybody else.
Sometimes the best help comes from strangers on the internet – online support groups. If your friends or family have been lucky enough to escape the grips of a selfish partner, family member or friend, then they’re likely not the ones to open up to when you need to vent and release your pain. Mostly it’s just because they really won’t be able to understand what you’re going through because they haven’t lived it.
In this case, joining a private support group, or signing up anonymously to speak on a relationship forum can be the perfect means of emotional support. Also, you’ll never have to worry that these types of friends are going to spill your secrets to that problematic person.
A counselor or coach. Unfortunately, mental health support isn’t always free or accessible, however, if you contact your local abuse hotline or speak to someone from your community who deals with family problems, you can get some sort of immediate emotional support which can help you through a difficult period. A quick Google search will give you a number of options in your region.
There are also self help solutions where you seek out support in the form of group coaching online, or downloadable e-guides and courses that are affordably priced to help you get clear on how to work on or end your relationship with said difficult person.