Psychological projection is a funny thing. It’s a misinterpretation of what is coming from the ‘inside’ is actually coming from the ‘outside’. Psychological projection can be useful when we use it to empathise and figure out how other people may feel in their experiences by using our own emotional experiences as a base. However it can be very unhelpful when someone projects their feelings subconsciously onto you which can lead to confrontation, criticism or leaving you thinking you are the problem when you are not.
According to Freud, psychological projection is where you effectively trick yourself into believing the undesirable qualities you see in yourself belong anywhere but with you. This is a way for our mind to reconcile parts of our character we view as being flawed. By projecting our ‘perceived’ flaws onto others we don’t have to take responsibility and ownership for them. Not everyone does this and it doesn’t necessarily happen all the time but it can be a defence coping mechanism us humans fall into. Unfortunately most of us don’t know we are doing it.
An example of psychological projection is someone who is having an affair who then starts accusing their partner of cheating. Or someone who acts entitled starts criticising other people who they believe are acting entitled. We have the ability to project large character flaws onto others or our tiny insecurities.
Sometimes psychological projection can make our relationship dynamics complicated and can be hard to identify. For example a mother might resent the amount of time her son is spending with his new girlfriend. She might have other feelings associated with this such as guilt for feeling jealous. However she knows that it would be damaging to the relationship with her son, if she expressed her resentment. Over time she decides that the new girlfriend does not like her, thus projecting her feelings onto the new girlfriend and giving her an acceptable excuse to dislike her.
Psychological projection in childhood can be confusing as children are not able to recognise when people are projecting. It can cause undue negative beliefs that can form part of the child’s identity when these beliefs are not true or accurate. For example a father who is disappointed in his life’s accomplishments constantly tells his son he will amount to nothing. Unable to cope with his feelings the father unconsciously passes them onto his son. After hearing these words for years, this may shape how the son views himself. Psychological projection can be harmful for children as it may cause them to take on negative beliefs or adapt their behaviour to either ‘live up’ or ‘live down’ to a psychological projection.
How do we know when we are projecting onto someone?
When our insecurities are triggered it’s natural at times to want to psychologically project them away from ourselves. If you want to figure out whether you are doing this, a good place to start is to work backwards. Examine why you might see a particular flaw or dislike in others (particularly flaws you see in others repeatedly) and try to decide whether this could be something that you may feel insecure about yourself. For example you might proclaim someone else as being unattractive or dislike a particular physical feature when you may have deep-seated image issues of yourself.
If you have had an argument or conflict with someone and wonder whether you were projecting, take a step back and have some space from the situation. Describe the situation from an objective point of view to yourself. Think about any assumptions you might have made and whether your actions were fuelled by prior events or underlying emotions you may be experiencing.
How to tell when someone is psychologically projecting onto you
It can be very troublesome when you are the subject of psychological projection. If you are highly empathetic and quick to accept blame, psychological projection can be difficult to spot. Rather than becoming focused on the other’s person’s emotional experiences of you, think about these questions to determine if someone is projecting onto you:
• Do they have an unusually harsh reaction to something you have said or done? • Does the accusation or criticism align with your actual actions, values and intentions? • Is there little evidence to support the accusation or criticism directed at you? • Is this person highly reactive and quick to blame you? • Does this person have difficulty being objective, gaining a wider perspective and empathising with others?
Psychological projection is a difficult defence mechanism to navigate. A) because when we are doing it we often don’t realise it and B) When others are psychologically projecting onto us it is difficult to address because they don’t realise they are doing it. When someone is constantly projecting onto you, it can leave big wounds. When parents psychologically project onto their children, they can develop unnecessary insecurities that stay with them throughout adulthood. By remaining curious, open and accepting of our emotional experiences, we can avoid psychologically projecting onto others and decide if we really need to take on board the other people’s experiences of us or say that’s definitely a you problem!
