Have you heard about the Fawn response? The 4th survival response out of fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
So, what is fawning? Most people don’t know that excessive people pleasing can actually stem from childhood trauma. The fawn response is the less well-known survival response that can be the result of growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable household, or with a narcissistic parent. It was first written about by psychotherapist Pete Walker in his book Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. As children, fawns learn the emotions of the adults around them come first. As adults it can feel like you must avoid friction and be perfect in your relationships to have acceptance and safety.
Fawns are highly empathetic
Fawns are highly empathetic and can be warm and encouraging of others but have difficulty in revealing their own feelings, wants and needs. To avoid conflict, rejection or abandonment by others, fawns often share only the most harmonious parts of themselves or what they perceive to be safe to share in relationships. Often mirroring the opinions and views of those around them. Fawning is like having an emotional camouflage system where you cover up your own emotions to protect the emotions of others.
Because Fawns are highly empathetic and can easily put themselves in other people’s shoes it can be difficult to be in their own shoes and show themselves empathy. Self-sacrificing and giving too much to others is easy but setting boundaries and being assertive can be hard. Fawns can be quick to say sorry without questioning whether they actually need to be sorry and quick to say yes when they need to say no.
People pleasing and lack of boundaries stem from childhood
It took me a while to realise that my constant struggles with people pleasing and lack of boundaries stemmed from my childhood conditioning. Once I gained that awareness it felt liberating because finally, I was able to name what had been a constant but invisible presence in my life. Fawning can show up a little or a lot in someone’s life. I found the more unstable a relationship was, the more my sense of self disappeared, as I made myself invisible to avoid conflict. I placed greater value on keeping the peace rather than honouring my own voice.
Fawns are at greater risk of controlling and abusive people
Problems with fawning can show up in the relationships you have with other people whether it be your partner, parent, friend, colleagues or even your boss. I remember never wanting to say anything in work meetings that might be different or cause tension even though I felt a certain way. Not wanting to let your boss down and having thin boundaries can be the perfect opportunity to be overloaded with extra work or tasks outside your job description. With a fawn trauma response you can be more susceptible to falling into abusive and controlling relationships because you can withstand the heat where other people would find their behaviour intolerable. Controlling people can prey on your good nature and lack of boundaries.
You can feel resigned to the fact that you must be like this in relationships so that you can keep them. It can feel way too difficult to have your own voice without putting relationships in jeopardy or feeling your voice won’t be heard anyway – too much empathy for others can be at your own detriment. There are healthy amounts of human responses, take for example stress. When you have a healthy amount of stress you can be motivated to get things done or be excited to go on a first date, but once you go over a certain threshold of stress, it becomes overwhelming.
The same goes for empathy – you can have a healthy amount where you are kind and caring but when you are a fawn often there is a surplus of empathy. This can be very damaging to the self in relationships. You can feel trapped, and experience emotional distress and anxiety. Long term relationship dynamics where you are always getting the short end of the straw can feel impossible to change. If you were never taught how to be assertive and have healthy boundaries in childhood you can wonder where to even start?
Fawns have needs too
You might have a friendship that feels one-sided, where you’re the one that’s always giving but to bring this up in conversation or address this might feel unbelievably difficult. When your natural way of being is giving, caring, and supporting the needs of others it can be difficult to do a u-turn, lay down some boundaries and speak your truth. Healthy relationships are a two-way thing and it’s important to take care of your needs too. If you experience fawning in your life, it is possible to shift your dynamics in relationships, start exercising your voice and staying true to yourself. Spend time with the people that make you feel good about you and fill your cup up. A little love, self-compassion, and empathy directed towards yourself can go a long way.
Building awareness and fostering some curiosity around our thoughts, feelings and actions can be the initial steps needed in mastering the fawn response and allowing our self-protective mechanisms to kick into gear. If you identify as a fawn you can still keep your beautiful, kind, and caring nature towards others but save some of that for yourself as well. Who you are is of value, your needs matter, and keeping the peace isn’t more important than allowing yourself to be – unapologetically – you.
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