Your body is retiring from self-abandonment. Here’s how to keep your softness without losing yourself.
First came rage. Then came boundaries.
This month, Kati Ludwig writes about the part of you that’s done performing “nice.”
Perimenopause doesn’t just change your hormones. It changes your tolerance for betraying yourself to keep the peace. The scripts you ran at 25 — smile, smooth it over, make it easier for everyone else — start to feel physically impossible. Not because you’re becoming difficult. Because your body is retiring from self-abandonment.
This isn’t a midlife crisis. It’s a midlife correction.
Why “Nice” Breaks Down After 40
1. Your Oestrogen Buffer Disappears
Oestrogen softens us socially. It boosts serotonin, dampens amygdala reactivity, and makes us more agreeable. As it fluctuates and falls, so does your ability to tolerate subtle disrespect, unequal labour, or conversations that go nowhere. What looked like patience was often just chemistry. Now your raw, unmedicated response shows up.
2. Your Body Keeps the Score, and the Bill Is Due
Decades of swallowing your “no” live in your tissues. Tight jaw. Clenched pelvis. Shallow breath. In perimenopause, your body starts rejecting what it used to endure. The cost of people-pleasing gets billed to your nervous system: insomnia, palpitations, autoimmune flares, rage. Your body is no longer willing to pay for being liked.
3. Your Priorities Rearrange Without Asking
You stop caring if you’re perceived as “easy.” You start caring if you’re living in alignment. Time feels finite. Energy feels sacred. The math changes: approval isn’t worth your peace anymore.
People-Pleasing vs. Softness: Know the Difference
People-Pleasing:
– Says yes from fear
– Avoids conflict to stay safe
– Abandons self to be liked
– Over-explains, over-apologises
– Resents quietly
Softness:
– Says yes from choice
– Holds conflict with compassion
– Stays with self while being kind
– Is clear, brief, and warm
– Addresses cleanly
Perimenopause asks you to drop people-pleasing, not your softness. You don’t have to become hard to become honest.
The 3 Places “Nice” Costs You Most After 40
1. In Your Relationships: The Invisible Labour Contract
– Old nice: “It’s fine, I’ll do it.” Then quiet resentment.
– New softness: “I don’t have capacity for that. What else could work?”
– Script: “I love you, and I’m not available to be the default manager of this. Let’s split it or drop it.”
2. At Work: The Competence Penalty
– Old nice: Taking notes, planning the party, smoothing team conflict, never saying “that’s not my job.”
– New softness: Letting your work speak. Protecting your focus.
– Script: “I’m not able to take that on. My priority is X right now.” No smile needed to soften it. The boundary is the kindness.
3. With Yourself: The Self-Abandonment Loop
– Old nice: Ignoring exhaustion, overriding intuition, booking yourself solid.
– New softness: Treating your “no” like data, not drama.
– Script to self: “I don’t have to earn rest. I don’t have to justify my limits.”
Embodied Practises to Unlearn “Nice” & Keep Your Softness
1. The Body Check Before You Answer
Before you say yes, pause. Ask: “If I say yes, what happens in my body?”
Expansion = aligned yes. Contraction = people-pleasing.
Your body is faster than your conditioning.
2. Replace Apologies with Acknowledgement
People-pleasing: “Sorry I can’t, I feel so bad, maybe next time…”
Soft boundary: “Thanks for asking. I’m not available.” or “I appreciate you thinking of me. I’ll pass.”
Warmth without self-erasure.
3. The 24-Hour Rule for Requests
Perimenopause strips impulse control. If it’s not a “hell yes,” it’s a “let me check and get back to you.” Buy time to let your real answer surface.
Script: “Let me check my energy and I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
4. Rehearse Disappointing People Safely
Your nervous system thinks disapproval = danger. Retrain it.
Start small: Send food back. Say “no” to the receipt. Tell the hairdresser “shorter.”
Watch the world not end. Build evidence that you can survive being un-liked.
Practical Steps to Deepen Your Practise
1. Track Your “Nice” This Week:
Notice when you say yes and feel dread. That’s your data.
2. Choose One Relationship to Rewire:
Where are you most over-functioning? Practise one new script there.
3. Somatic Support:
Shaking, humming, or legs-up-the-wall after hard conversations. Show your body that honesty = safety.
Resources to Support Your Journey
– Book: The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker – the psychology of approval addiction
– Practise: “Cold + Kind” journaling: Write the boundary. Then add one sentence of genuine warmth. Both can be true.
– Course: In Authentic Steps to Emotional Wellbeing, we practice “soft no’s” and nervous system safety.
Closing Thought
“Nice” was a survival strategy.
Softness is a leadership strategy.
Perimenopause is giving you back to yourself. The version of you that doesn’t abandon her body to be palatable. The version that can be both kind and clear. Both loving and limited.
You don’t lose your softness when you stop people-pleasing. You finally get to offer it from a full cup, not an empty one.
May this month bring you the relief of disappointing the right people, and the power of keeping your promises to yourself.