How do you recognise that you are a fawn or fawning? The fawn survival response is a cluster of behaviours and emotions that come from childhood trauma and conditioning.
People might fawn a little or a lot and it might only occur in particular areas of your life. Maybe you’re a fawn at work and bend over backwards for your employer but when you go home you feel comfortable enough to speak freely and set boundaries. On the other hand you may feel invisible and are unable to assert yourself or speak your truth in all areas of your life. You can be highly empathetic, caring, and fulfil other people’s needs but when this is damaging to your own wellbeing and self-worth or you are neglecting your values and needs, this is fawning.
Basically it’s when putting the needs of others before your own, goes too far. If you are wondering whether you have a fawn survival response, here are some questions to ask yourself:
Are you highly empathetic?
Are you able to emotionally understand what other people are feeling, see their point of view or imagine walking in their shoes? Being very empathetic is usually accompanied with being highly sensitive and emotionally in tune with what other people are feeling.
You become very perceptive in understanding other people’s moods and emotions and can foresee what would upset them. Your verbal filter is high and you might try to refrain from miniscule comments that could be taken the wrong way or be slightly offensive to other people. You have mastered reading other people’s emotions and act accordingly soothing and comforting. Other people often feel comfortable sharing their problems with you – you’re a great listener, able to support people through their ups and downs. You are also a master at avoiding distress and conflict with other people.
Being empathetic is also the ability to be a problem solver and thinker and you may feel responsible for other people’s emotions even when you are not.
Do you give to others at the expense of yourself?
Are you a culprit of self-betrayal? Do you shrink yourself to make other people more comfortable, downplay your achievements or things that have been positive in your life in case they make other people feel bad? Do you hold your tongue when other people’s views and opinions differ from yours or go against your own values? You might have a very different perspective on particular topics but don’t want to make the other person feel uncomfortable with your opposing view.
Perhaps you don’t ask for your worth and accept less than you deserve while you give your all to other people. This could be in your romantic relationships where you might give 110% but never feel like you get back the same energy or prioritization. Do you give to others even if you are tired, worn out or have too much on your plate but end up doing it anyway? You might place your own needs and self-care way down your priority list so that you can keep caring for those around you. There is a physical and emotional cost to you but you keep going because others need you.
Do you have weak boundaries or do you find them
extremely hard to set with other people?
This might look like not being able to set strong boundaries with your teenager who is walking all over you or maybe you are getting overworked by your boss. You might be the one making all the effort in your friendships, or maybe you’re being treated poorly in your relationship and feeling helpless to change it. You may feel guilty about setting limits with other people because you know they will not like them. Furthermore, when other people put guilt on you for setting a boundary, this is extra hard because you already feel guilty, which makes boundary setting feel impossibly difficult.
Poor boundaries are often connected to empathy because you don’t want the other person to experience negative emotions. You may also fear that boundary setting might damage your relationships or make you vulnerable to negative backlash. Even though we all need boundaries, having poor boundaries can make us feel safe because it makes our interactions with people predictable. If we keep doing what other people want even if there is a cost to us and want things to be different, we know what to expect.
-
Why “Nice” Stops Working After 40
Your body is retiring from self-abandonment. Here’s how to keep your softness without losing yourself. First came rage. Then came boundaries. This month, Kati Ludwig writes about the part of…
Do you ever ask for help?
Having a fawning survival response can be very subtle and hard to see from the outside. A fawn response can look like strong independence, resilience and being high functioning. Never needing help let alone asking help from others.
Fearing you might be a burden on other people, you might never ask for support in times of need and feel you have to soldier on alone. To others you might look like you are capable and have everything under control when in fact you feel overwhelmed and are barely holding it together on the inside.
You learnt you had to be independent from a young age and growing up, there was no one that you could rely on for stable emotional support. Asking for help might feel completely alien to you.
Do you ever feel like a moth to a flame with narcissists
(and you’re the flame 🔥)?
Do you ever feel that you seem to attract people with narcissistic qualities? This can show up in your friendships or romantic relationships.
Perhaps in workplace situations there is always one person that is always trying to assert themselves over you unnecessarily. Maybe you feel that time and time again you end up dating someone you initially found attractive who turned out to have strong narcissistic tendencies.
These types of people tend to thrive on your good nature and empathy. You may know or sense something isn’t quite right, your gut instincts tell you but because you are highly empathetic, people who have narcissistic tendencies tend to manipulate your emotions easily. You may succumb to being taken captive as their emotional hostage.
So what next?
Don’t change who you are but be more of who you really are. It takes courage to be your authentic self in the face of confrontation and friction. You have a kind and caring nature and don’t let other people ever take that away from you, but choose who you share that with wisely. If you identify with the fawn survival response and there are aspects of your life where it gets the better of you, there are ways to turn that around. Take time out for yourself. Think about your needs, the load you are carrying, what areas of your life you can make some positive change for yourself. Reach out to the safe people in your life for help, you are allowed to ask. Most importantly make sure there is room for you too in your life, not just everyone else.
