Your sense of self can be a bit of an abstract idea. It isn’t something we typically think about all the time or check in to see how our sense of self is going. So, what is a sense of self? Your sense of self refers to your perception of the collection of characteristics that define you.
Your sense of self is how you view yourself as a person, your likes/dislikes, personal thoughts and opinions, and the activities you like doing as part of your normal life and the people you regularly connect with. These are all things that can easily get lost in relationships when you are busy getting swept off your feet and caught up in a new love. It can also gradually happen over time as your relationship progresses into years and decades.
Learning to maintain a strong sense of self and who you are as a person in relationships can help you avoid people-pleasing when it comes to your partner. Living authentically in relationships can help to retain a healthy self-esteem.
What happens when you lose your sense of self?
When you lose your sense of self you become all about your partner in the relationship and your needs get sidelined while their needs take centre stage. You are reluctant to speak up about what you need or want, or when you do, it falls on deaf ears or an argument takes place. Instead, you focus on your partner and don’t stay true to yourself.
Losing your sense of self in a relationship can have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing and mental health as your needs in the relationship go unmet. It can lead to low self-worth and low self-esteem or even stress and burnout as you constantly put your partner before your own health and wellbeing.
If you are unsure on how your sense of self is going, ask yourself the following questions to do a sense of self check in…
- Do I always say yes to make my partner happy?
- What are the things in my life that bring me happiness?
- Do I spend time on activities, hobbies or with people for my own wellbeing?
- What are my values? Do I live my life accordingly?
- Do my choices reflect my own interests or my partner’s?
Codependency and losing sense of self
When entering a new relationship it is common to become wrapped up in the excitement and intensity new love brings. It can also be easy not to take notice when your partner isn’t equally interested in pleasing you. You may feel more willing to make compromises or don’t realise that you are giving up parts of your life that make you feel like you.
Alternatively we can lose our sense of self in relationships when our partner may be manipulative or jealous. You may feel pressured into not spending as much time with friends, family or doing activities you enjoy and focusing your time and attention towards them. You may fear your partner will leave or reject you if you aren’t perfect in the relationship.
These are all signs of codependency that may be a pattern in your relationships that leads to an ongoing loss of sense of self.
Secure relationships
When you have a healthy, secure relationship you support each other to pursue individual interests and other friendships. Your partner isn’t jealous and demanding of your time and you don’t feel compelled to focus on your partner’s needs above anything else. You can spend time together and apart and be your own individual authentic selves.
When you are in a loving and trusting relationship, you don’t feel like you have to make yourself small or remain hidden just to please your partner. Here are some ideas to help you keep your sense of self in your relationships…
- Know what is important to you
- Spend time with your own friends or family
- Dedicate time to your own interests
- Pursue your own personal goals
- Say no when something doesn’t feel right or doesn’t work well for you
- Do not make your wants and needs hidden to please your partner
When you know who you are, your relationships can be more satisfying. You can meet your partner’s needs, compromise in your relationship but also recognise what you want and need too. Maintaining your sense of self is recognising when something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, is going against your values or acknowledging you need some time just for you. When both partners contribute to each other’s emotional health and allow each other to be themselves it is far easier to hold onto your sense of self.
