In a world where conflict and aggression can surface in both expected and unexpected moments, De-Escalation by Robert Lubbe offers timely, practical guidance on staying calm, confident, and in control.
Written by a New Zealander with an impressive background in military leadership and public healthcare, Lubbe combines real-world experience with deep insight into human psychology and crisis behaviour. Whether you’re a business leader navigating workplace tension, a frontline worker dealing with volatile clients, or simply someone wanting to feel safer in everyday life, this book delivers clear, actionable strategies for diffusing conflict. It’s not a manual on physical self-defence, but rather a guide to making smart, calm decisions under pressure.
The following short extract gives a taste of the author’s book — one you’ll definitely want to add to your personal collection.
Behavioural Risk Indicators: What People Do
While verbal cues provide a wealth of information about a person’s emotional state, non-verbal behaviours are often even more telling. People may unconsciously reveal their emotions through body language, facial expressions, and physical actions long before verbally expressing their feelings.
Key Behavioural Risk Indicators to Watch For
Tense posture: When someone prepares for a confrontation, their body often shows signs of tension. They may clench their fists, tighten their jaw or adopt a rigid stance. Tense muscles and rigid body language signal that the person is gearing up for physical action, whether defensive or aggressive.
- Response strategy: Decrease physical proximity to reduce tension and make yourself less of a threat. Maintain open body language and give the individual more space to relax.
Pacing or restless movements: Pacing or fidgeting often indicates agitation and a sense of feeling trapped or unsure of how to proceed. Restless movements suggest that the person is having difficulty controlling their emotions and may be trying to decide whether to fight or flee. Keep in mind that, depending on the situation you’re in, it may be because the person is under the influence of some kind of substance. This in itself increases the overall risk, so tread carefully.
- Response strategy: Slow the pace of the conversation and acknowledge their feelings to help them settle down. “I can see you’re feeling restless. Let’s take a moment and talk through what’s going on.”
Invasion of personal space: When someone invades your personal space or stands too close, it can be an indicator of escalating aggression. Closing the distance between you may be an attempt to assert dominance or intimidate. It may also be a way to get within striking distance.
- Response strategy: Remember, distance is your friend. Step back slightly to create more space and reduce the feeling of confrontation. Avoid sudden movements that could be interpreted as a threat. If the first attempt to increase the distance between you and the other person is not effective or if they physically move closer to get within range, this may require a more active approach. Without being aggressive and confrontational, raise an open hand to the person to encourage them to stop moving closer while instructing them to keep their distance. Try something like: “Let’s keep our personal space free so we can talk through this situation.”
Sudden changes in behaviour: A sudden shift in behaviour, such as going from calm to agitated or from sitting quietly to standing up abruptly, can be a precursor to physical action. These quick changes often indicate that the person is on the verge of losing control. The underlying causes of sudden behavioural changes can be anything from drugs to a psychological disorder or simply just because the person has reached a point of frustration that is about to escalate into physical aggression.
- Response strategy: Stay calm, maintain a safe distance and avoid mirroring their sudden movements. Use a soothing tone to de-escalate the situation: “I noticed a change in how you’re feeling. Let’s talk about what’s going on.”
Eye contact and paze: Eye contact can reveal a great deal about a person’s emotional state. Prolonged, intense eye contact may be a sign of aggression or a challenge, while avoiding eye contact could indicate fear, guilt or deceit. Rapid shifting of the gaze or darting eyes may suggest nervousness or an attempt to assess the environment for threats.
- Response strategy: Maintain soft, non-threatening eye contact. If the person is avoiding eye contact, give them time and space to gather their thoughts rather than pressuring them to respond immediately.
Facial expressions: Subtle changes in facial expressions can give insight into a person’s emotional state. Watch for signs of frustration (furrowed brow, narrowed eyes), anger (clenched jaw, bared teeth) or fear (wide eyes, trembling lips). Sometimes changes in facial expressions are so small that they are easily missed, but if you are tuned into the conversation, you will notice that something has changed. As a personal challenge, this is something that I had to work extremely hard on because you could read novels in my facial expressions as the conversation went on. Some people find it difficult to hide those expressions, and you can cash in on that if you pay attention. The work of Dr Paul Ekman goes into the science of micro-expressions, and I would recommend a study of his work to anyone who has regular interactions with people.
- Response strategy: You need to decide, based on the situation and environment you are in, whether to acknowledge what you observe or not. For example, “I can see that something’s bothering you. Let’s talk about what’s on your mind.”
Sudden silence: If someone who was previously vocal suddenly goes quiet, it could be a sign that they are internalising their anger or frustration, which may build into a more dangerous outburst later. This silence may indicate that the person is contemplating their next move, possibly escalating to physical aggression.
- Response strategy: Don’t fill the silence with rapid talk. Instead, use gentle prompts to draw the person back into the conversation: “I noticed you’ve gone quiet. Can you tell me what’s on your mind?”
De-escalation by Robert Lubbe, Flutch TC Publishing, RRP $38.00
