We have a history of experience that is imprinted in our nervous system and lives in our bodies. The emotional experiences that we have growing up can have a large impact on our body’s functioning in adulthood. Having compassion for our younger selves and teaching our body to be in the present moment can help rewire our brain, heal and provide our body with a sense of safety over time. Thus we are able to live with more vitality and have more capacity to experience and enjoy the here and now.
When our nervous system is activated we can be on guard, prepared for potential danger, be hypervigilant, stressed and anxious. We can worry about what is going to happen in particular situations and make negative predictions about the future. Alternatively we can drop into a lower energy states where we lose our motivation and want to hide from the world, experience self-critical thoughts and feel lost or hopeless.
Here are some experiences in childhood with caregivers, parents and attachment figures, that can impact the nervous system and how our body and mind responds to adult life experiences. In adulthood, when we are faced with reminders of these previous childhood experiences our nervous system can be triggered.
Absence of emotional support – This occurs when the child’s emotional needs are not met or are not acknowledged. This can come from parents not having the skills or emotional capacity to be able to respond appropriately in times of emotional distress. Sometimes adults compare their emotional world to that of their children. They might view the child’s issue as minuscule to them but the issue is actually very large to the child. They might tell the child that their problem is nothing. Another example of the absence of emotional support is caregivers turning a blind eye or ignoring major issues.
Poor co-regulation – This occurs in moments of distress when adults are not able to co-regulate with children, for example, the adult is not able to regulate their own emotions and therefore is unable to help regulate their child’s in times of distress. When parents are able to co-regulate with their children they can provide affection or soothing in moments of distress to put children back at ease. When adults and children are both yelling and screaming, this is the opposite of co-regulation as they are both dysregulated.
Absence of repair – This happens after an argument or punishment, when the adult does not reconnect emotionally with their child. In other words there is no repair to the relationship connection. When there is no effort to reconnect the child is left to feel alone with their emotions and feel they are ‘bad’ for an extended amount of time. Even if the adult is ‘over’ the behaviour or argument, they can be unaware that the child might feel they are still out on a limb or in the bad books if they continue to disengage with their child.
Boundary disruption – The absence of or no appropriate limits can disrupt a child’s self-regulation and feelings of safety. Children feel safe when they are given appropriate boundaries and parameters to explore and play in. When they are left to decide for themselves with the absence of clear guidelines, the world can become a more daunting and scary place. Self-regulation can be extremely difficult because they are left to figure out how to do this on their own.
Inconsistency and unsafety – Growing up within an environment of fear, chaos and unpredictable behaviours can continuously activate a child’s nervous system. The environment is continuously unpredictable leaving children feeling on edge and hypervigilant. This can keep the nervous system in constant flight or fight.
Suppression of authenticity – This occurs when children suppress themselves to keep the connection with the primary attachment figure. They are unable to develop skills to express themselves. They begin to hide or suppress themselves to avoid disapproval, conflict or punishment by the primary attachment figure. Sharing their own wants, needs and desires with others, begins to be seen as dangerous.
These experiences in childhood with parents, caregivers and attachment figures can affect our nervous system early on in life and how the body responds to experiences in adult life. When children continually experience emotional events without the proper guidance and support from adults, they become stored in the body and part of the nervous system wiring in adulthood.
An important message is that we can repair this. We can start small and gradually become aware and listen to our body, triggers and emotions when we need to. These survival adaptions and dynamics can be rewired and are not set in stone.
It is important to listen carefully to our body’s needs. Taking time out when we feel stressed and anxious or gently encouraging ourselves to get up and going when we feel low. The more we are able to connect with our emotional experiences and foster curiosity, we can learn more about our body’s limits and identify the areas in our life where we would like to see growth.
