This month, we’re focusing on communication.
Let’s begin with reflection:
Do you know how to communicate effectively?
Or are your thoughts and feelings getting in the way of effective communication?
Our emotions can get in the way of how we communicate with others and we can end up making things worse and feel like we are messing things up.
We are all entitled to have our own thoughts and feelings. No matter what others think, these thoughts and feelings are valid.
When communicating with others, it is important to keep an open mind that what you are experiencing might be similar, different, or the complete opposite to what others are experiencing.
This doesn’t necessarily make it true or even right or wrong – our minds are continually trying to make sense of this world, and our minds might not always get it right.
Being aware of our own reactions, together with an understanding and awareness of how the other person might be reacting will give us important knowledge and help us respond in the most healthy and effective way.
How does mindfulness help with expressing yourself better?
When you go inwards, become mindful and reflect, you will better understand yourself: who you are, your beliefs, values, wants and desires.
You need this understanding of yourself in order to convey your message to others with clarity.
Becoming more aware of your communication styles can help you with bringing more clarity and intention into your message. For example:
Someone who is passive might say “You’re okay, I’m not.”
Someone who is assertive might say “I’m okay, you’re okay.”
Someone who is aggressive might say “I’m okay, you’re not.”
Can you see the difference and how each communication style can set the tone for the conversation?
We all know that expressing our feelings is important. However, that doesn’t mean we feel confident in our ability to do so.
Becoming comfortable with expressing ourselves takes time. We can get better at it, however, with a bit of effort and the right strategies in mind.
Here are 10 tips for expressing yourself better:
1. Make practising mindfulness a habit — whether through meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises
2. Work on being more vulnerable with the people who care about you
3. Don’t worry about saying things perfectly the first time — practise makes perfect
4. Let your body language help you convey your emotions
5. Try a new hobby to help yourself be more expressive, especially something creative
6. Express your happy feelings too, not just the hard ones
7. Play games that help you become comfortable with talking about yourself
8. Be patient and forgiving with others as they learn to respond to your feelings
9. Limit distractions like cell phones or music when you’re sharing your feelings
10. Understand and identify what upsets you and makes you not want to express your feelings
Passiveness and aggressiveness are usually caused by the emotions inside us.
These behaviours occur when we are led in conversation by our thoughts and feelings, rather than by our desire to achieve effective communication.
This method of communicating creates enemies, makes it difficult to build boundaries, introduces self-critical thoughts, and often upsets others.
The opposite is being assertive: being true to yourself and believing in your message, so that you have the confidence to deliver it to others with clarity.
It strengthens your friendships, helps you create boundaries, reduces critical thoughts, and creates peace and harmony with others.
By learning to be more assertive and effective in communicating, your newfound communication skills will allow you to get your message across without upsetting the other person – and hopefully reduce the misunderstanding on both sides.
By being assertive, you become happy with the outcomes and are happy to compromise – and this allows for good relationships.
Don’t get it mixed up: assertiveness does not require aggressiveness.
Being assertive means you are direct, honest, truthful and easily understood. It means you stand behind what you are saying, you are confident in your knowledge, and you are utilising your strong communication skills.
Being assertive means others will understand you better. Speaking assertively requires knowing yourself on a deeper level – and letting others know who you are.
It means stating your opinions, knowing others may disagree, but understanding that you don’t have to temper their expectations before you say your piece.
It means standing behind what you do, say and feel, and speaking with self-love and confidence in who you are.
It takes time to build to this point, but the connections you will form are well worth it.
Being aggressive means acting like a bully to others, whether putting down their opinion, judging, refusing to listen, or being argumentative.
The two are very different.
Tips to become more assertive:
1. Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your schedule is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.
2. Use ‘I’ statements. Using I statements lets others know what you’re thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, “I disagree,” rather than, “You’re wrong.” If you have a request, say, “I would like you to help with this” rather than, “You need to do this.” Keep your requests simple, specific and clear.
3. Practise saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, “No, I can’t do that now.” Remember that no is a complete sentence and you don’t need to explain why you choose to say no. Don’t hesitate — be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
4. Rehearse what you want to say. If it’s challenging to say what you want or think, practise general scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practise from a script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and asking for clear feedback.
5. Use body language. Communication isn’t just verbal. Act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don’t cross your arms or legs. Face the person. Practise assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague. In addition to what you say, your body language and facial expressions are also important.
6. Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are typical, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit, if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
7. Start small. At first, practise your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and adjust your approach as needed.
You might also like: HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE AND GET MORE OF WHAT YOU WANT
How will you implement these tips into your life?
Building communication skills is a lifelong process, and we’re not always on the exact same level as others. If we find that our closest friends and family are reacting in unexpected ways when we express ourselves, be patient. Be forgiving with them as they learn to respond to your feelings. It is a learning process for you, and for those around you.
May you co-create your relationships with a sense of empowerment, a breeze of gentleness, and a big portion of clarity 🙂
