Anger has turned into a somewhat taboo emotion to experience. We go to courses on anger management. We get told to be assertive with our anger communication, and not to be passive aggressive or just plain aggressive. We get taught coping strategies to handle our anger and how we can get rid of it. For some of us anger is viewed as an emotion not to share at all with others because it is negative, hurtful, or wrong. However, anger is a very important emotion, and we all need it to be part of our emotional guidance system because:
- Anger is the part of you that knows it is unacceptable to be mistreated and abused.
- Anger informs you when you feel powerless.
- Anger also lets you know what you deserve and to be treated with respect and kindness.
- Anger lets us know we need boundaries and when to stop pouring energy into negative situations or relationships and is another mechanism to maintain our own safety.
Feeling anger towards someone’s behaviour or a situation does not make you a bad person, it’s part of what makes you a human being. If we block anger out completely to the point where we do not recognise we are feeling it, then life can become overwhelming and chaotic. When we don’t have anger to inform us that we need to take a step back or do things differently, we can give into the requests and expectations others place on us, even when it is not in our best interests or conducive to our wellbeing.
For example, someone might have a sense of duty towards their partner or children and does not recognise when their partner or children need to contribute more to the household tasks or do things for themselves. They become overloaded and fatigued because they carry on with a heavy load that needs to be shared and that would also be good for positive relationships within their household. Blocking out our anger would prevent someone in this situation recognising when to speak up, have a conversation or set a boundary.
Alternatively, we can recognise our anger but bottle it up. Sometimes we fear our own anger and want to avoid it because we are frightened of what we would do with it. Suppressed anger can eventually turn into rage, chronic stress, or other things such as mental illness, anxiety, depression, and fatigue. In doing so we avoid accepting, processing and communicating it. When we want to be mentally healthy, we need to allow ourselves to feel and accept all our emotions, even anger. Once we have found acceptance in what we are experiencing then we can make good decisions with that information and how we want to approach certain situations.
Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion to hide from ourselves or others – anger is useful information.
Anger can be motivating. Think about the last time you felt angry. Did you feel like you had a lot of energy in your body? We can cultivate our anger and use it to motivate us to create positive changes in our life. Using anger as fuel we can reach goals, double down and be determined to achieve or accomplish something or change a situation that was bringing us grief. Anger isn’t necessarily an emotion that we shouldn’t be feeling or must get rid of as quickly as we can.
In feeling and accepting your anger you can learn a lot about yourself. What you like and dislike. What is acceptable to you or not. It is helpful in letting you know when you are upset and if you need to make positive changes in your life. Anger can be a pathway for growth and change, motivation setting boundaries and making a difference. Of course, we want to express our anger in a safe and respectful way and look after ourselves when we are experiencing anger to cope. However, anger is not an emotion that should be hidden away from us or avoided at all costs. It is part of our human emotional guidance system and can be utilised as a tool to maintain your wellbeing.
