Are you a fan of conflict? Yeah, me neither. I can’t say I have met anyone that has told me they like being in conflict. Having arguments, confrontations and disagreements with other people can conjure up all sorts of uncomfortable emotions.
With particularly hostile or argumentative people it can be easy to get stuck feeling like there is no way out. We can start to predict or anticipate having conflict and start behaving as if the conflict is inevitable, sometimes making the sticky situation even worse as we have already reached a conclusion in our minds without approaching the problem. Or we can attempt to avoid conflict completely until something gives way and we have no choice to address whatever issue we may be having when it reaches boiling point.
If you tend to shy away from conflict, here are some tips to take the bull by the horns and get to the nitty gritty. When you can have open conversations and be straight up, it’s easier to build a stable foundation in your relationships rather than hiding your true feelings, thoughts and needs. Sometimes covering up how you really feel can take just as much energy out of you as having an uncomfortable conversation. If you get used to approaching situations and resolving them rather than avoiding them, it can get easier in the long run.
Anticipate a conversation not an argument If you have an issue that needs to be discussed with someone it is easy to automatically think the situation is going to end in conflict, especially if we have had many tense interactions with that particular person in the past. We can easily start to imagine how the other person is going to respond. We then go into the situation with a closed mind and biased approach. If you anticipate a conversation, you are opening yourself up to the possibility it may go another way. When you build yourself up to anticipate an argument, you activate your stress response, and you walk into the situation already on edge.
Tune into the emotional response you automatically have when conflict arises. Try to stay open and curious. We can get hijacked by our emotional responses and become so tangled up in our experiences. When we take a step back and observe what we are feeling we can gain more insight and understanding of what is going on. By remaining open and curious we can recognise our own triggers and start to question whether they stem from something else. We can also take a step back and decide how we want to approach a situation.
Take care of your emotions and try to have self-compassion. When you are experiencing uncomfortable emotions or tension with someone else it is important to look after you. It’s not easy to bring up difficult topics with someone else. If someone else is bringing a confrontation to you, it can catch you off guard and you are not always prepared to handle it emotionally. Practise good self-care if this is happening in your life, take it easy on yourself and talk yourself through your situation with some kind words.
Acknowledge that all healthy relationships have points of disconnection and reconnection. It’s normal for everyone to have moments of tension and conflict in all their relationships and have moments of disconnecting (through conflict, disagreements, or arguments) or re-connecting (compromising, acknowledging the other person’s feelings, finding new ways of doing things). It’s impossible to be living in absolute harmony with everyone constantly and when we challenge each other’s viewpoints, work through issues, and express our own needs we come out the other side all the better for it. Try thinking of these moments of conflict as moments of growth if you have been hiding from it.
We can get caught in the mindset that conflict is bad, negative, and only damages relationships. Sometimes this is true when you’ve tried your best to resolve a situation and the other person doesn’t want to find a resolution. But rather than viewing conflict as something to avoid at all costs, it can also be helpful to reframe the idea of anticipated conflict as an opportunity for:
- Problem solving
- Preventing disagreements from becoming more intense or damaging
- Increased closeness and release of irritations
- Growth
Approaching difficult topics or having a conflict situation can be constructive. As unpleasant as it sometimes is, it can also lead to new ideas and solves continuous problems. There are possible negative consequences to conflict but habitually avoiding it can be problematic too. So next time you experience conflict or the avoidance of conflict in your life, take a minute to stop and think about whether there could be a positive outcome in this not so pleasant moment.
