We’ve all been there. We were kind and said yes to a commitment we really didn’t want to be involved with. Then we felt like we were being taken advantage of. Our boundaries were crossed and we let it happen.
This difficulty with setting boundaries for yourself in your personal, work and love life stems from a need to please others. It means we prioritise the needs of others over our own without setting up healthy boundaries.
What are healthy boundaries?
Healthy boundaries refer to that tricky invisible line that separates you from another. Where do you end and the other person begin? Where do you want that line to be? This has to do with the amount of physical, mental and emotional space you save and use for yourself.
Boundaries cover a lot of ground in our shared life experience with others. In the case of too much people pleasing and a tendency to say yes when you mean no, the topic of boundaries becomes about how much of your own time and energy you’re willing to give to others.
Healthy boundaries strike a good balance between self and other. When your boundaries are established and you’ve mastered the art of teaching people what they are so they know not to cross the line, you end up feeling comfortable and respected.
Keeping boundaries in balance means that your needs are being valued as much as you value the needs of other people. Saying no to things that make you uncomfortable or that create unnecessary stress in your life is a good way to enforce healthy boundaries.
When you say yes to everything, without having healthy boundaries in place with people, you can feel stressed, overwhelmed by everything you have to do… and this could lead to burnout. It’s normal to want to be liked and to please others and it can be hard to turn down requests from people you care about. That’s why setting limits with difficult people can be especially challenging to most of us.
If you’ve found yourself out of practise in setting healthy boundaries, begin by writing down the changes you want to make in your behaviour. What are you no longer willing to tolerate? Prioritise the things you want to stop doing immediately and the things you can gradually stop doing.
Once you set your boundaries, you’ll need to practise saying no. It’s fine to do this politely, but saying no needs to be done firmly. Think of a few ways to say no. Write them down and practise saying them. For example: “Unfortunately, I can’t do that anymore” or “I don’t have room in my schedule for that” or a simple “No, I’m sorry, I’m not able to.”
You don’t have to give a reason for saying no. Part of setting boundaries is so others know what you are willing to do and what you won’t do.
Tune into your inner sense. Is it saying yes or no? These are your personal limits and guidelines, your boundaries of what you will or won’t do. Our inner wisdom intuitively tells us if something feels right or wrong to do.
Next you want to learn how to not react to others reactions. You’re bound to have emotions pop up when you say no. People will be disappointed or they might become angry. Firmly maintain your boundaries without caving into their emotions. Boundaries help you improve relationships by creating respect, and you won’t feel bitterness or resentment over time from not adhering to your personal boundaries.
Finally put your own self-care first. Being giving and compassionate towards others means having compassion for yourself. Set healthy boundaries that allow you to practise self-care each week. This will help you relax and connect with yourself. Once you set this boundary you’ll know when you want to take on a project or commitment, and when you need to say no.
Saying no is the first step in setting healthy boundaries. Once you have boundaries in place, it makes it easier to say no to commitments that overwhelm, tax, frustrate or stress you, and instead begin taking on the ones you enjoy.
