In an enmeshed family there is a lack of boundaries between family members, and they are overly involved and reactive to one another. Family members are usually fused together by unhealthy emotions. Positive emotions such as a strong sense of belonging, closeness and emotional support can also accompany enmeshed families. However, enmeshment can stunt the development of personal identity and sense of self in children.
Family enmeshment can be a trait that is passed down through generations as the norm of being. It can also develop when parents suffer from mental or physical illness or have addiction issues. Alternatively, an enmeshed family can develop out of having an ill child that needs protection or a sibling has a disability, and the other children are parentified.
In an enmeshed family, children can be parentified instrumentally. For example, they may be expected to take care of siblings, run the home, pay the bills or be the translator if their parents are not fluent in their residing country’s language. This places a huge responsibility and pressure on the child to take care of and meet their family’s needs.
Parents may also rely on children to be their emotional support, their ‘best friend’, their ‘go to person’ when things get tough. Not only is this confusing for the child, it also prevents them from learning to take care of their own emotional needs as they are developing. They learn instead only to take care of the emotional needs of those around them.
Alongside an over reliance on the child for emotional or practical support, parents can be over focused on the child’s life. Parents of enmeshed families may show some of the following behaviours:
- Expects child to follow parent beliefs and values
- Discourages child from following their own dreams or goals
- Self-worth of the parent is dependent on the child’s achievements
- A belief that the child should not receive any support from external sources and all support is provided through the parent
- A need to know everything about the life of the child
- Expects child to be a friend and an emotional support person
- Oversharing of private information
- Child is rewarded for behaviours that strengthen the enmeshment (e.g. taking advice, adopting beliefs, being an emotional support)
This might look like choosing to study in another city to your family and causing a family crisis by this decision. A parent might take it upon themselves to put themselves in a position that is not their role, become overly involved and then highly reactive if the situation does not go as they had anticipated it to. Parents may be very generous but also very conditional. There is no personal information that is ‘out of bounds’.
Enmeshed family dynamics and behaviours are different to healthy close families. A close family that is also healthy, provides emotional bonds that make children feel secure but also confident to be themselves in the world. Family members are given space when they need it and aren’t the source of all emotional fulfilment. Children are encouraged to contribute to the family and household in a healthy way which supports their self-esteem and respect for others. Rather than needing children to do household tasks out of necessity.
The long-term consequence for some children who have grown up in enmeshed families is a fear of abandonment and a tendency to slip into codependent relationships. Due to always having a purpose and a role within their own family system, children may grow up feeling they need to play a role in their partner’s life in order to secure safety and security, rather than just being themselves. Other beliefs and behaviors of children from enmeshed families can be:
- Not having a strong sense of self
- Focusing on other people’s needs rather than yourself and not thinking about your needs at all
- Making sure your goals are aligned with your parents rather than with yourself
- Avoiding conflict
- Difficulties setting boundaries
- Feeling guilty for needing your own space
- Feeling compelled to tell your family everything
- Feeling responsible for all your family’s challenges
It is incredibly difficult to break away from enmeshed family structures because any indicator to do so is often accompanied by a parental sense of betrayal, spite or anger. These enmeshed behaviours, beliefs and habits become so ingrained it can feel impossible to change as it is threatening to the cohesiveness of the entire family. Even when living away from home, adult children can still feel obligated to adhere to the enmeshed family dynamic.
If this sounds familiar and you identify that you have come from an enmeshed family, there is hope. You can set healthy boundaries, assert yourself with your family members and establish a sense of self separate to that of your family. It takes time, patience, and bravery but it is possible. A therapist can be helpful in supporting you to understanding and identify what patterns are present in your relationships and healthy ways to cope with them.
