We’ve all had conversations that fill us with dread and that we would really prefer not to have. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and get it done because there is no other way around it. With a bit of self-coaching you can make difficult conversations into just plain old conversations. You might know that you need to talk to your boss about your work expectations, your partner about their lack of communication or initiative, or a friend about their flakiness but you find yourself procrastinating. Whatever the situation is, these moments don’t have to always bring you emotional dread or discomfort.
Uncomfortable conversations don’t need to make you feel anxious or nervous. By seeing these moments as opportunities for growth you are able to improve areas of your life where avoidance keeps you locked into the same repetitive frustrating pattern. Avoidance can be comfortable as you are not challenging anyone or anything but your situation is not likely to improve without a difficult conversation.
On the flip side, if you automatically think and feel the difficult conversation needs to be highly heated and emotionally fuelled then there is a good chance that this will lead to miscommunication. When we are highly emotional our logical and rational thinking is more likely to go offline. If we are able to remain calm in a situation we are more likely to have a better outcome.
I know that difficult conversations are hard but challenge yourself and see this as an opportunity for self-development. Here are some steps to help you stay calm and approach your next difficult conversation:
Show up
Remember showing up imperfectly is way better than not showing up at all. When you avoid the hard conversations you stay in your comfort zone. But is it really? Because deep down inside you know things aren’t right and you want them to change. Staying comfortable means settling for less. You have to make the decision whether you want to accept things the way they are or if you really do want change. Ask yourself what you value more?
Make sure you are on the same page
Try to define the key terms of what is being discussed so you can stay on the same page. When conversations are highly emotional it can be difficult to discuss what is actually happening in the situation. You want to make sure you are both discussing the same key terms otherwise you will be vulnerable to miscommunication within the conversation.
For example if your boss thinks you are not performing well, what are the exact expectations? You need specifics. Without discussing specifics you can’t set them straight if they have the wrong idea or takes steps to improve your performance. If your partner isn’t putting enough effort into the relationship, be specific. This is not the time to generalise. When you can both get on the same page you have more opportunity for growth and change rather than getting mixed up ideas about the same situation.
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Stay curious
Replace judgement with curiosity. I know this one can be difficult, especially if someone’s behaviour is really frustrating you! By staying curious about a situation you keep the conversation wide open instead of turning it into an argument and any resolution goes out the window. Instead of rebuttals or rushing to make a point, try leading with curiosity. Ask to have more information or clarification e.g. ‘can you explain that to me a bit more’.
When you’re able to be curious rather than passing judgment, the other person doesn’t feel attacked and will be less likely to go into defence mode. For example, ‘do you notice when you come home late from work, we never eat dinner together?’ Instead of ‘you care more about your work instead of me.’ When there are accusations, judgements or verbal attacks the conversation can easily turn into a blame game and get shut down. Staying curious can help move the conversation forward.
Sit with silence
Allow room for silence even if its uncomfortable. I know it can feel awkward but it offers a chance for both people in the conversation to process their own thoughts rather than speak just for the sake of speaking. If you are able to allow room for silence you can pace the conversation and prevent knee jerk reactions. You can be careful about what you say rather than letting emotions get the better of you.
Lastly if you were able to have a difficult conversation even though you were dreading it, make sure you praise yourself for being courageous. Sometimes conversations are going to be clunky, awkward or emotionally fuelled but when you have some tools in your belt to approach situations, it does get easier with time. Next time you are faced with a situation that requires a difficult conversation, embrace it! View it as a positive opportunity for growth and change.
